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Religious References and Religious Characters in
Mystery Men (1999)
a feature film about second-string super-heroes
based on the Mysterymen comic book characters published by Dark Horse Comics

Below: A trio of third-rate super-heroes: The Blue Raja, Mr. Furious and the Shoveler. The Blue Raja is not Muslim. He describes himself as an "effete British superhero" and the "master of cutlery." The Shoveler, who believes his abilities come from God, is the most deeply religious member of the trio.
third-rate super-heroes: The Blue Raja, Mr. Furious and the Shoveler

Below: Captain Amazing (the greatest super-hero in Champion City) and his publicist Victor greet a crowd of fans outside a nursing home where the Captain vanquished a gang of thieves. Note the many advertising patches on Captain Amazing's costume. He has come to care more about fame and advertising revenue than he cares about protecting the citizens of Champion City.
Captain Amazing (greatest super-hero in Champion City) and his publicist Victor

[Timecode: 9 minutes, 16 seconds. Establishing shot shows Captain Amazing's limousine crusing through Champion City. Cut to inside the limousine. Captain Amazing sits across from his Publicist in the back.]

Victor (Publicist): C.A., I'm doing my best.

Captain Amazing: Oh, your best? Uh, quick question: Is this your best?!

[Captain Amazing rips one of approximately dozen corporate sponsor patches off of his uniform. He holds the patch up in front of his publicist. The patch appears to be a Japanese-language or Chinese-language Pepsi patch. Captain Amazing is upset, either because he thinks this is a terrible or insufficiently profitable sponsor, or because of the news he just received before getting into the limousine that Pepsi had recently dropped its sponsorship of him.]

Victor (Publicist): Okay, I realize you're upset.

Captain Amazing: Victor, I'm positioned. Okay? Do you understand what that means -- on a very personal level here -- to know that the companies that make these fine products want me to be their spokesperson, their voice?

Captain Amazing, super-hero with corporate advertising sponsors

Victor (Publicist): I think right now we should focus on the positive. Tonight was good.

Captain Amazing: Yeah? You think so? 'Cause I was worried it was, um -- I don't know -- pathetic! "Amazing triumphs at a nursing home!" That's great copy, Vic.

Victor (Publicist): Look, I'm a publicist, not a magician. You want big news, you have to have big fights. A superhero needs a supervillain and, thanks to you, we've got none left.

Captain Amazing: Then get the . . . the-- Death Man.

Victor (Publicist): Death Man is dead.

Captain Amazing: Okay. Father Doom.

Victor (Publicist): Life without parole. [Captain Amazing starts to name some other super-villains that he has fought in the past, but Victor continues naming them, without being prompted, along with explanations about why they won't be battling Captain Amazing any time soon.] Apocalyptoa's doing 50 years. Armagezzmo's in exile. Baron Von Chaos got the chair.

Captain Amazing: Really?

Victor (Publicist): Casanova Frankenstein is locked up in a nuthouse.

Captain Amazing: Casanova Frankenstein. Now, there was a supervillain. You know, he just-- [Captain Amazing pauses and tries to affect a certain stare in imitation of Casanova Frankenstein] He's got those eyes, you know? [Laughs] I can't do it, but-- And that voice-- Such pure evil. The battles we used to have. Extraordinary.
Captain Amazing expresses admiration for the super-villain Casanova Frankenstein

Victor (Publicist): "Used to." That's the problem, Captain. "Used to."

[The musical underscore, the look on Captain Amazing's face, and the way the camera slowly zooms in closer on him tells us that Captain Amazing is hatching an idea. He realizes that he can be back on top if he can just get a great super-villain out there to do battle against him. He is thinking about what he can do to get Casanova Frankenstein free to wreak havok on Champion City once more, so that he (Captain Amazing) can once again vanquish him and make headlines, thus securing lucrative corporate sponsorship deals. End of scene.]

[Timecode: 10 minutes, 46 seconds. Establishing shot: Camera is rapidly zooming in on an island prison in the bay outside of the Champion City. Zoom across water, into and around the prison. The voices of inmates groaning and moaning can be heard. Clearly many criminally insane people are imprisoned here. Cut to inside of a large conference room where a parole hearing is taking place.]

Chairman of Parole Board: Let the record show that this parole hearing has officially begun.

[Two guards enter the room, each of them holding onto one arm of a chained prisoner with long hair, wearing a prison-issue pants but no shirt. The prison has long, flowing hair that hangs down six to 10 inches below his shoulders. The door closes behind them. The guards accompany the prisoner to the center of the room, where they sit the prisoner down in a chair. Men in suits sit behind a table across the room from the prisoner.]

Chairman of Parole Board: We now commence the 17th parole hearing of Casanova Frankenstein. Dr. Leek, you may begin.

[The man who thus began the meeting turns to Dr. Leek, a woman sitting at the same table. She appears to be a psychologist. She wears thick black-rimmed glasses and wears professional attire: a conservative business outfit.]

Dr. Leek: Thank you. Gentleman of the board, the man who sits behind you, the once evil genius, is entirely cured.

Chairman of Parole Board: What?

Dr. Leek: I give you my word that he's of no more danger to the city now . . . than I am.

Chairman of Parole Board:[Turning to speak to the other men on the Parole Board.] This is outrageous.

Other Member of Parole Board (Asian): Yes.

Chairman of Parole Board: Mr. Casanova Frankenstein, do you have anything to say on your own behalf?

Casanova Frankenstein: Blessed disciples of Hippocrates, my heart is split in two. It brims with such sorrow for my abominable crimes. And yet, it swells with love for you, for this sanctuary, this place of healing. Within my soul, I feel the choir singing Beethoven's immortal "Ode to Joy", where all men become . . . brothers!
Casanova Frankenstein, in the insane asylum

[The door to the room opens and Lance Hunt enters. he is a sharply dressed, obviously wealthy attorney. He carries a briefcase with him. With his thick glasses on, nobody recognizes that he is actually the city's greatest superhero: Captain Amazing.]

Lance Hunt ("Captain Amazing"): Am I too late to cast my vote?

Chairman of Parole Board: Not at all, Lance. I was just about to remind the board that Casanova once had our city in a stranglehold of terror. Parole is not an option for this man . . . this monster. We cannot risk the danger of releasing him.

Lance Hunt: I could not agree with you more.

Chairman: Excellent.

Lance Hunt: However, I-- I did just have dinner with an old friend recently. Maybe you've heard of him? Captain Amazing?

Chairman:[impressed] Captain Amazing?

Lance Hunt: --And he asked if I would read this. [Pulls a single sheet of paper out of his pocket.] "Dear members of the board, we all know that society cannot exist without absolute justice, but society is also built upon . . . compassion. Let us set the tone for the new millennium by making a historic gesture of forgiveness. Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you, let us grant Casanova Frankenstein a second chance."

[The camera shot switches so that we can see what is written on the piece of paper that Lance Hunt is "reading" from. We see that it is simply a shopping list. He is not reading a message at all. The list reads as follows:
Loaf of bread
Gallon of milk
Apples
Oranges
Pears
Pie Crust
Cookies
Soda
Jelly - grape
Ketchup
Crackers]


[Dr. Leek smiles. Clearly she is in cahoots with Casanova Frankenstein.]

Chairman of Parole Board:[Stammering, surprised.] Well, uh, with Captain Amazing's recommendation and, uh, protection . . . I suppose we could, uh, consider . . . I pronounce you . . . cured. [Pounds a paper with a rubber stamp. We see a parole form now stamped with a large blue ink word: "CURED"]

[Cut to scene of automobile speeding into the city away from the bridge from the prison. Cut to inside of automobile, the back seat. We see Casanova Frankenstein, still in his prison clothes, sitting alone in the back seat.]

Casanova Frankenstein: Hello, Champion City. Daddy . . . is home.

[Timecode: 17 minutes, 59 seconds. Scene: Downtown Champion City. Mr. Furious, the Blue Raja and the Shoveler have just eaten in the diner that is their regular hangout place after their nights of superheroic patrolling of the city. They have been arguing about the check. The Blue Raja feels that because he always orders a salad and Mr. Furious always orders a steak or something similarly expensive, that splitting the bill three ways as they always do, is inherently unfair. Mr. Furious cuts the conversation short as he sees a familiar-looking white limousine pull up nearby.]

Mr. Furious: Ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Do you see what I see?

[Disco music plays loudly while we see the limousine pull to a stop and its disco-era riders disembark. Tony C. is a tall black man wearing exaggerating disco clothes. Tony P. is a middle-aged white man who is dressed in ridiculously exaggerated disco clothes. The license plate on the limousine reads "TONY P".]
Tony P. and Tony C. - two super-villains who are obsessed with Disco - get out of their car.

Blue Raja: Helloooo...

Shoveler: It's Tony C.

Blue Raja: And Tony P., leader of the Disco Boys.

[After getting out of the limousine, Tony P. and Tony C. walk forward a few paces, to the sound of disco music, and then stop in time to the music, doing disco poses. The Blue Raja, Shoveler, and Mr. Furious watch from far enough that Tony P. and Tony C. can't hear what they are saying.]

Blue Raja: But why, pray tell, would he be back in town?

[Tony P. walks over to a pay phone.]

Mr. Furious: Maybe it's time to do a little following to find out.

Shoveler: No, it's already 10:30. I'm gonna get killed by my wife as it is.

Blue Raja: Yes, and I've had quite enough excitement for one night, thank you.

Mr. Furious: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, my mistake. I thought I was hanging out with a couple of serious superheroes, the Shoveler and the Blue Raja. But, apparently I'm hanging out with, uh, Lazy Boy and-- and-- And the Recliner! Yeah, Lazy Boy and the Recliner!

[But by the time Mr. Furious has thought up this witicism, the Shoveler and the Blue Raja are already driving away. Mr. Furious is disappointed, but he decides to follow Tony P. and Tony C. by himself, using his motorcycle.]

[Later. Timecode: 19 minutes, 38 seconds. The same evening. A very old family vehicle pulls into the driveway of a suburban home on a culdesac of a Blue Collar suburban neighborhood. Numerous toys are strewn about on the yard. Clearly a number of children live here. A stuffed dinosaur toy is on the driveway. The car pulls into the driveway and comes to a stop with its front left tire on top of the dinosaur toy. The toy squeaks. The Shoveler gets out of the vehicle, looking a little weary. He sees the dinosaur under the car tire. He grabs the toy's head and tries to pick the toy up, but the head comes off. He looks at it for a moment, then procedes to enter the house. We see a very nicely-kept middle-class home. A large framed photo in the entry way shows the Shoveler (in "civilian" attire: a business suit) standing next to his wife (an African-American woman). In front of them stand three elementary school-age children: two boys and a girl. The Shoveler walks past the photo and into the kitchen.]
Portrait in entry way of Shoveler's home shows him and his family: His wife and two children are black.

Lucille (Shoveler's wife): Butch needs his vest back. He's got a game on Saturday.

[Tbe vest in question is part of the Shoveler's make-shift super-hero "costume." The Shoveler opens the refrigerator and gets a drink: a soda.]

Shoveler: Well, it's my vest too. I bought it for him. The only thing I need--

[The Shoveler's wife turns around from doing dishes and glares at him. Her look instantly stops his excuses and protestations. It is clear who is the boss in this home, and it isn't the Shoveler.]

Shoveler: Okay.

Lucille (Shoveler's wife): How long you gonna do this, Eddie? It's been twelve years.

Shoveler: I know.

Lucille (Shoveler's wife): You got a family to look after, Eddie. The kids are worried sick about you. But still you go out, night after night, running around the city for what?

Shoveler: Lucille. God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.
The Shoveler says God gave him a gift to shovel very well.

Lucille: Oh, baby. You shovel better than any man I've ever known. But that does not make you a superhero.

Shoveler: All I--

Lucille: Oh, no, no, no. You're a good husband and a good father. But that's all. Nothing more.

Shoveler:[Looks down.] You're right.

Roland (Shoveler's son):[Very young boy, perhaps 4 years old, tugs on The Shoveler's sleeve.] I believe in you, Daddy.
Little Roland believes in his father: the super-hero Shoveler.

[The Shoveler smiles. Lucille sighs.]

Lucille: Roland, do not e ncourage your father.

[End of scene. Timecode: 21 minutes, 22 seconds. Cut to exterior of another suburban home, this one larger and older. Cut to interior of this home: The bedroom or basement dwelling place of the Blue Raja. The decor is pseudo-Indian, with many hints of quasi-mysticism, but nothing concretely religious. Numerous incense sticks are burning. The Blue Raja practices his super-heroic repartee and fork moves. The Blue Raja's mother opens the door to his room. The Blue Raja (Jeffry) drops his fake British accent while talking with her, telling her that she isn't supposed to come into his room without knocking. She asks him if he's "into marijuana." Jeffrey's mother doesn't really get his whole "super-hero" thing.]
The Blue Raja's room: with pseudo-Indian decor

[After the scene between The Blue Raja and his mother we see Mr. Furious parking his motorcycle outside a mansion on the outskirts of the city. He followed the Disco Boys there, to the home or castle headquarters of Casanova Frankenstein. Cut to inside the castle, where we see that Casanova Frankenstein has now cleaned up after his long prison stay. He wears luxious clothes and is surrounded incredibly luxious furnishings and decor. He is actually in a bathroom, which looks like it oculd be a a room an unusual museum. Timecode: 23 minutes, 10 seconds.]
Casanova Frankenstein, an Epicurean super-villain, admires his outfit in the mirror.

[Cut to another room in Casanova Frankenstein's castle: a large disco room. A disco ball hangs from the ceiling, casting shifting lights throughout the dimly lit, music-filled room. A bar is on one end of the room. Tony P. dances in the middle of the dance floor. Tony P. then approaches the bar. He picks up a record album. It is a Bee Gees album from the 1970s. TonyP. looks reverently upon the album, lost in a sacred disco revery. Casanova Frankenstein enters the room.]

Casanova Frankenstein: Ah! The old disco room. Just as I left it.

Tony P.: You've been locked up for twenty years, Casanova. A lot of things have changed since then.

Casanova Frankenstein: It must have been hard for you, Tony, the way times and styles have changed. To hear the people saying that disco is dead.

[Casanova Frankenstein's comment brings a pained look to Tony P.'s face. He looks down at the disco album in his hands.]

Tony P.: Disco is NOT dead! Disco is life!
Tony P (Disco super-villain) says: Disco is life!

Casanova Frankenstein: Yes, Tony, that is the passion I remember. Stick with me, Tony, and you will dance again, when I rule this town.

[The woman we recognize as Dr. Leek from the parole hearing enters the room. She now wears a dark and queenly super-villain costume.]

Casanova Frankenstein:[Speaking to Tony P. while indicating the woman with his outstretched hand.] Have you met my psychiatrist?

[Casanova Frankenstein leads Tony P. and the woman out onto the terrace of his mansion. They look over the bay. Cut to shot of Mr. Furious, who is watching through binoculars from near by.]

Casanova Frankenstein Tony, I want you to spread the word to all of my gangs. Tell them that Casanova Frank is back, and that Casanova Frankenstein is planning something . . . a little bit different.

[Casanova Frankenstein uses a device in one of his rings or his bracelet to trigger an explosion. On cue, we see the criminal insane asylum/prison that previously held him explode. Tony P. and "Dr. Leek" are very impressed. Casanova Frankenstein starts walking backwards, back into the mansion.]

Casanova Frankenstein: And now, if you will excuse me, I'm expecting a visit from a very old friend.

[We hear the whine of jet packs. Mr. Furious uses his binoculars to look up in the sky. He sees Captain Amazing jetting his way through the sky, en route to confront Casanova Frankenstein. Cut to a fancy sitting room within the mansion. Casanova Frankenstein samples a drink.]

Casanova Frankenstein: Mmm, oh, this is a fine, elegant Harvey Wallbanger.
Casanova Frankenstein admires an elegant Harvey Wallbanger

[Captain Amazing enters the room, having entered through a balcony entrance.]

Captain Amazing: Even when it's sucked by scum like you?

[Captain Amazing smiles broadly and mugs, as if for the cameras, although there are none here, as far as he can see.]

Casanova Frankenstein: Captain Amazing. What a surprise. [Casanova Frankenstein is pleased to see Captain Amazing, and he isn't actually surprised.]

Captain Amazing: Really? I'm not so sure about that. Your first night of freedom and you blow up the asylum. Interesting choice. I knew you couldn't change.

[Casanova Frankenstein and Captain Amazing talk some more, as both old "friends" and old enemies. Captain Amazing is wary of Casanova Frankenstein's old tricks. Before approaching Casanova Frankenstein too closely, Captain Amazing asks his enemy to remove or disengage the various deadly devices he typically has on his person. Casanova Frankenstein obliges.]
The super-hero Capain Amazing confronts the super-villain Casanova Frankenstein

Captain Amazing: You're going to prison for life this time, Casanova. You see, here in Champion City we still do a fairly brisk trade . . . in justice.

Casanova Frankenstein: I thought it was all about the publicity and keeping your sponsors happy.

Captain Amazing: You see, it's that kind of cynicism that I truly feel is starting to poison society.

[But finally Casanova Frankenstein manages to spray a knock-out gas that causes Captain Amazing to quickly pass out. Casanova Frankenstein thus captures Captain Amazing. Once Captain Amazing comes to, he is tied to a chair deep in Casanova Frankenstein's lair. Casanova Frankenstein makes it clear that he plans to kill Captain Amazing at the appointed time, after which he will be attacking Champion City. Captain Amazing tries to bargain with Casanova Frankenstein, suggesting that if the villain lets him go, he will tell the authorities that Casanova Frankenstein is completely cured of his insanity and should be allowed to be free, after which he can attack the city. Casanova Frankenstein doesn't listen, and leaves Captain Amazing alone in the room with the lights off. Captain Amazing calls out, offering another plan: He (Captain Amazing) offers to become Casanova Frankenstein's sidekick. But nobody is listening.]

[Mr. Furious reports to his colleagues, the Blue Raja and the Shoveler, that Captain Amazing is being held captive at the mansion of Casanova Frankenstein. The trio go to the mansion to rescue Captain Amazing, but as they coss the intricately-manicured yard, the Disco Boys emerge from the front door of the mansion and face off against the heroes. Tony P. and Tony C. are backed up by four of their henchmen (known collectively as the "Disco Boys"). All of these criminals wear exaggerated disco-style attire. Mr. Furious and the Blue Raja make fun of the fact that the Disco Boys carry guns and other weapons which are NOT disco-themed (a steel pipe, a knife, a club). The Disco Boys are unperturbed that the thematic cohesiveness of their "super-villainy" is being ridiculed. The Disco Boys proceed to beat up Mr. Furious, the Shoveler and the Blue Raja.]
The villainous Disco Boys menace the Mystery Men heroes

[Given the fact that the Shoveler, the Blue Raja and Mr. Furious are rather ineffective as "super-heroes", the well-armed Disco Boys could have done considerable damage to them. The Disco Boys could easily have killed these three heroes. But in the next scene, we see the three heroes in their favorite diner once more, bruised and wearing a few bandages, but relatively unharmed. Chalk this up to the demands of the film's narrative rather than any merciful attitude on the part of the Disco Boys. Timecode: 33 minutes, 39 seconds. Scene: The diner where the heroes hang out.]


Shoveler: We'll never get in there, Roy. There are too many Disco Boys.

Mr. Furious: Look, I'm telling you, Amazing's in there. I saw him go in.

Blue Raja: There's never any evil trios, are there? No, they've all got to travel in gangs like little babies.

Mr. Furious: Well, maybe it's time to level the playing field.

Shoveler: How?

Mr. Furious: I'm talking about recruiting. There's plenty of guys out there who would kill to get in on our action.

Blue Raja: Plenty of posers, you mean.

Mr. Furious: Yeah, maybe a few. But there's got to be a couple of guys out there, you know, like . . . like a Human Torch before he hit.

Shoveler: Or like a guy who can shoot stinging foam into your eyes. Or something like that.

Blue Raja: Well, hmmm, there's the Sphinx, of course.

Mr. Furious: The what?

Blue Raja: The Sphinx.

Shoveler: I know this guy. Big crime fighter from down south. Big-league hitter down there.

Mr. Furious: What's his power?

Blue Raja: Well, he's terribly mysterious.

Mr. Furious: That's it? That's his power? He's mysterious?

Blue Raja: Well, terribly mysterious.

Shoveler: Plus, he can, like, cut guns in half with his mind.

Blue Raja: Really?

Shoveler: I think.

Blue Raja: I hadn't heard that.

Shoveler: We'll have to track this Sphinx guy down. Meantime, I have an idea where we can get another guy.

Mr. Furious: I'm free for lunch tomorrow. How about you?

Shoveler: Nothing I couldn't move around.

[The trio of heroes nod their heads yes, all agreeing to this plan. Then they put their hands together in a sort of secret handshake where they connect their outstretched pinkie fingers and index fingers to loosely form a triangle, and then shake their outstretched fingers, before yanking their hands upward simultaneously. They standup to leave the diner. On the way out, Mr. Furious awkardly attempts to ask their pretty waitress out on a date.]

[The Shoveler, Mr. Furious and Blue Raja begin their recruitment drive, starting with Invisible Boy, who helps them network and suggests a barbecue to which they can invite other heroes. While Invisible Boy suggests the barbecue to which he will invite the super-heroes he knows, Mr. Furious, the Shoveler and the Blue Raja suddenly halt the conversation as they smell a familiar and unwelcome scent. They look over their shoulders to see a familiar person entering the diner.]

Blue Raja: What? Oh, bugger all, it's the Spleen. Oh, play dead.

Invisible Boy: Who's that?

Shoveler: Turn your head. Don't say anything.
The super-hero known as the Spleen (a Hippie) enters the diner

[The Spleen enters the diner and slowly walks toward the table our heroes are sitting at. He wears a classic Hippie outfit. The Spleen makes a bee-line for the table the other heroes sit at, despite the fact that their heads are ducked and they are trying to avoid seeing him.]

Spleen: Hiya, fellas. Word on the street is you're looking for superheroes.

Heroes: Uh-uh. Not really.

Shoveler: Actually, we're just leaving.

Blue Raja: Yes. Rotten Luck.

Waitress:[Arrives at the table with their orders: plates of freshly cooked food.] Oh, here we go. [Sets plates down on the table, effectively halting the retreat of the heroes. The heroes resign themselves to the fact that the Spleen has them cornered.]

Spleen: Why are you guys always dissing me? It hurts my feelings. I'm a superhero, too. I have powers.

Invisible Boy: Really? Like what?

Spleen: So glad you asked.

Shoveler: Oh, no.

Spleen: Excuse me. [Sits down at the booth.] Excuse me. Excuse me.

[The Shoveler and Blue Raja scoot over on their bench to make room for Spleen.]

Spleen: Well, it all started when I was just thirteen years of age. One day, while walking with some friends, I accidentally cut the cheese. Well, in my adolescent awkwardness, I blamed it on an old gypsy woman who happened to be passing by. Big mistake! The gypsy woman placed a curse upon my head. Because I smelled it, she decreed, I would forevermore be he who dealt it! Let me illustrate.
The Spleen (Hippie superhero) recounts his secret origin: receiving powers from a Gypsy/Roma curse.

Shoveler: No, you don't have to.

Blue Raja: It's not necessary, really.

[The Spleen takes four clothespins out of his pocket and puts them on the table for the heroes' use.]

Spleen: Let's see. Distance: seven meters. Air speed: normal. Compensate for air conditioning. [Holds out his hand toward Invisible Boy.] Pull my fingers.

Shoveler: Don't do it.

Blue Raja: Oh, dear God!

[Seeing that the Spleen is really going to do it, the Blue Raja quickly grabs a clothespin and uses it to pinch his nose shut.]

Spleen: S. B. D.!

[As Invisible Boy pulls on the Spleen's finger, the Spleen expells his super flatulence, and the noxious gas instantly brings unconsciousness to a number of people in the diner he had been aiming at. This is exactly what the heroes did NOT want to see happen. This is why the heroes do not like to be around the Spleen.]

Spleen: Silent, but deadly! [The diners are not actually dead. Just unconscious.]

Shoveler: That's good shooting.

Invisible Boy: That was amazing!

Blue Raja: It's disgusting. Don't encourage him.

Spleen:[Noticing the notes on a paper attached to a clipboard in front of the Shoveler.] Hey, you guys are recruiting for superheroes.

[The Spleen asks where they are holding their tryouts. Invisible Boy suggests they would have a big turnout if they held the tryouts somewhere with a swimming pool. They all look at the Shoveler, who protests. He knows his wife will be furious if he holds the tryouts at his own house. But then we cut to the next scene: the Shoveler's backyard. Dozens of costumed "super-heroes" are standing around the swimming pool. A few jump in (or are thrown in). Timecode: 41 minutes, 55 seconds.]

[The super-hero audition is largely a bust. Dozens of would be "super-heroes" present themselves to a panel consisting of the Blue Raja, Shoveler, Mr. Furious, Invisible Boy and the Spleen. But these wannabes are even more useless than those questionable heroes sitting in judgment on the panel. People had fun at the barbecue/pool party, though. After the yard is trashed and all those who auditioned have gone home, the five heroes sit together, tired and disappointed. Timecode: 44 minutes, 18 seconds.]


Shoveler: Well, that was a complete waste of time.

Mr. Furious: Like so many things we do.

[Into the now empty yard enters a lone woman, dressed mostly in black, carrying a bowling ball bag.]

Bowler: Hi. Hi, you guys. Am I too late to try out?

Mr. Furious: What time is it?

Shoveler: I don't have a watch on.

Mr. Furious: Yeah. Sorry. You'll have to pretend to be a superhero somewhere else.

Bowler:[feeling angry, but determined] Really? I see. That's fine.

[The bowler puts her bowling bag down and unzips it. She reaches into it and extracts a bowling ball which appears to be a clear glass (or some other material) ball with a human skull inside it. An eerie humming sound can be heard coming from the ball. The bowler holds her bowling ball in a bowling stance, swings her arm back, and then hurls the bowling ball. It flies from her arm straight toward the heroes, who must dodge to get out of the ball's way. The ball doesn't simply fall to the ground, however, but bounces of objects and flies through the air as if alive, or as if it is somehow controlled magically or telekinetically by the Bowler. It is clearly a formidable weapon that could do significant damage in battle. Finally the ball flies back into the Bowler's bag.]

Bowler: I guess I'll just have to take my ball and go home.
The Bowler first meets the Mystery Men.

[The Bowler smiles confidently.]

All of the heroes chattering: No. You can't go. Miss, please! Where are you going? Wow, that was cool! Hey, wait! Stop her. Hold on. Stop her. Whoa. Settle down. My, my, my.

[The heroes run after her as she starts to leave the yard. She's in.]

Mr. Furious: We might be able to, uh, squeeze in one more interview.

Blue Raja: Yes, seeing as how you schlepped your ball all this way.

Bowler: Appreciate that. Thanks.

Shoveler: You're really good.

Spleen: What's up? I'm the Spleen.

Bowler: I'm the Bowler. How you doing?

[The Bowler sits down at a table and talks with the other heroes. When they ask where she got her powers, she explains she got them from her father, Carmine the Bowler. They are impressed. They have all heard of him, and look at him as a great super-hero. He was murdered, but unfortunately police never caught his killer and they called it an accident. Now Carmine's daughter Carol has grown up and taken on his mantel. She seeks revenge on those who killed her father. Impressed with her powers and drive, the heroes are quick to offer her membership in their group - all except Mr. Furious, who does so reluctantly but resents the way the others are so quick to embrace her.]

[In the next scene, we see the six heroes in a car, driving together at night.]


[Timecode: 48 minutes, 7 seconds. The Mystery Men (the Shoveller, the Blue Raja, and Mr. Furious) have just recruited three new members: The Spleen, Invisible Boy and the Bowler. The Bowler (whose real name is Carol) is completely unfamiliar with the team. As they drive in a car en route to rescue captive superhero Captain Amazing from the villain Cassanova Frankenstein, the Bowler asks the Blue Raja about his background.]

The Bowler (Carol): So, you're a British man who converted to Islam, sort of like Cat Stevens?
The Blue Raja of the Mystery Men explains to the Bowler that he is not Muslim
The Blue Raja of the Mystery Men explains to the Bowler that he is not Muslim
The Blue Raja of the Mystery Men explains to the Bowler that he is not Muslim

[The Bowler thinks that the Blue Raja is British because he speaks with a phony British accent. He wears a costume reminescent of a raja (or rajah) from India. The Blue Raja is, in fact, American. He does not speak with a British accent when he is at home with his mother, but he always speaks with an accent when he is in public as the Blue Raja. Jeff's code-name is sometimes spelled "The Blue Rajah."]

The Blue Raja (Jeff): No. Until the early part of this century, India was in fact part of the British Empire, whose government there was called the British Raj, after the Hindi word for "sovereignty." Furthermore--

The Bowler (Carol): Wait. So sorry-- [The Bowler interrupts the Blue Raja's explanation. She opens her bowling ball bag and looks down into it at the skull embedded in her bowling ball. She talks to it.] What? . . . Dad! No! He's not a Commie or a "fruit." [Looks up again to speak to the Blue Raja and the other heroes in the car.] Sorry. His ignorance embarrases me.

[Everybody in the car looks at the Bowler as if she is very strange.]

The Blue Raja (Jeff): Sorry, but am I to understand you've inserted your father's skull inside that ball for bowling?

The Bowler (Carol): No. The guy at the pro shop did it.
The Blue Raja of the Mystery Men throws a fork at the villains

[The vehicle with the six heroes passes a limousine carrying Casanova Frankenstein, going the opposite direction. The Shoveler, who is driving the heroes' vehicle, turns around and follows Casanova Frankenstein's car, which stops. A superheroic battle ensues between the heroes and Casanova Frankenstein and the villain's henchmen. The heroes do significant damage to the body of the limousine before the heroes get out and start shooting at the heroes. The heroes get in their car and speed off, feeling victorious at having humiliated the villains and damaged their car.]

[Timecode: 52 minutes, 52 seconds. In the next scene, the six heroes are in a bar celebrating their victory. An establishing show shows the Chinese pagoda-style bar and we hear Mr. Furious propose a toast.]


Mr Furious: I would like to make a toast to our first straight-out victory.

Blue Raja: Stunning victory! Hear, hear!

[Cut to interior, showing a time period that may be significantly later in the evening. All of the heroes have been drinking. A few are quite drunk. The Bowler and the Blue Raja apparently drank very little, as they are still quite lucid and are having a deeply philosophical conversation. During their conversation, the Bowler continually speaks directly to her father's skull embedded in her bowling ball, demonstrating once again that she routinely speaks to her deceased father.]

Bowler: Be that as it may, the relationship that you have with your mother affects every other dynamic in your life. It's impossible-- [Turns to look at her father's skull in her bowling ball, which rests on top of a drinking glass on the bar next to her.] What? What?

Blue Raja:[Agreeing with the Bowler.] it's true, quite true.

Bowler:[Speaking to her "father".] Yes, a father's role is vital in a child's life as well. I know this.

[The Blue Raja looks on as Carol/The Bowler speaks to her father. The look on his face makes it clear once again that he thinks the Bowler is very strange when she speaks to her father this way. His teammates also think Carol is odd because of this. But they never say anything. They just let her do her thing, not quite sure what to think about the way she communes with the dead, or at least thinks she does.]

Bowler:[Talking to her father.] No, I'm no disrespecting you. You have to respect me too. You have to allow me to have conversations in a bar type situation and talk to my new friends. Andy anyway, I'm an adult now. Do you want to go back in the bag? Is that how we're gonna do it now? You make the rules. If you don't zip it-- [Takes a drink from her bottle of beer. Sighs.] Sheesh.
The Bowler talks to her deceased father.

Blue Raja:[Resuming his conversation with the Bowler.] I was just going to say that parents can be quite problematic.

Bowler: Tell me about it . . . Listen, you've got to live in truth. Correct?

[There is more conversation among the heroes. Finally they leave the bar, quite inebriated. Waiting for them outside the bar are Tony P., Tony C. and about 8 other Disco Boys. The Disco Boys approach the heroes menacingly, lining them up against a wall. The Disco Boys all aim guns straight at the heroes. Just before the Disco Boys kill the heroes by shooting them, every one of their guns suddenly splits in half, affected by some unseen force. The Disco Boys retreat, with Tony P. saying this only a temporary reprieve for the heroes. A gong is heard. From the shadows emerges the savior of the heroes, the man who really DOES have the power to cut guns in half with his mind: the mysterious Sphinx!]

Blue Raja: Criminy. You're the Sphinx.

Sphinx: And you are fools.
Introduction of the Sphinx, a mysterious super-hero.

[Cut to the auto junkyard where Mr. Furious works in his day job. The Sphinx is lecturing the heroes.]

Sphinx: Tonight . . . you proved . . . your inexperience. The wise man knows that he is weakest when he thinks himself strong . . . Casanova Frankenstein is no ordinary villain. To fight him, you must have extraordinary skill.

[Mr. Furious tries to be dismissive about the wisdom of the Sphinx, but all of the heroes want to hear what the Sphinx has to say. Mr. Furious and the Bowler start squabbling back and forth.]

Sphinx: Silence! You . . . must be like the wolf pack. Not like the six pack.
The Sphinx dispells his super-heroic wisdom.

Shoveler: Teamwork. Yes!

Sphinx: You were not ready to face so great an enemy. Not until you have vanquished the enemy within yourselves.
The Sphinx dispells his super-heroic wisdom.

Spleen: Yes!

Invisible Boy: It's cool, isn't it? He goes right up to the point of being, like, confusing.

Shoveler: It's leadership. It's what we've been missing.

Blue Raja: Yes, I quite agree. Sphinx, will you guide our motley little gang of men at arms?

Mr. Furious: Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Are you serious? Come on.

Other heroes, to the Sphinx: Will you shape us? Mold us?

Bowler: Please unify us and make us whole.

Sphinx; To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.

[The heroes gasp at this wisdom, all except Mr. Furious, who kicks a can.]

[Cut to daytime, a wooded area by a small lake or swamp. This is apparently the camp of the Sphinx. Montage of scenes in which the Sphinx trains the heroes. The Blue Raja hurls forks at a target attached to a tree.]


Sphinx: Learn to hide your strikes from your opponent, and you'll more easily strike his hide.

[Spleen and the Shoveler are dueling. The spleen wields a large poll with a tool on the end. The Shoveler uses his shovel. The Sphinx approaches them and halts their duel.]

Sphinx: How many weapons do you wield?

Shoveler: Just one, Sphinx.

Sphinx: No. The fist, the knee, the elbow, the head! You must lash out with every limb like the octopus who plays the drums.

[Mr. Furious is trying to balance a tack hammer on its end on top of his head. It isn't working very well.]

Mr. Furious: Why am I doing this again?

Sphinx: When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack.

Mr. Furious: And why am I wearing the watermelon on my feet?

Sphinx: I don't remember telling you to do that.

[Cut to night time, at the same camp. The heroes walk across hot coals. They have already learned much through the guidance of the Sphinx.]

[Cut to day time, at the same camp.]

The Sphinx trains the Mystery Men.

Sphinx: I believe in my powers.

Heroes, loudly and in unison: I believe in my powers.

Sphinx: I believe . . . in the powers of my teammates.

Heroes, weakly and sort of in unison: I believe in the powers of my teammates.

Sphinx: I trust in my powers!

Heroes, loudly and in unison: I trust in my powers.

Sphinx: I trust in the powers of my teammates.

Heroes, weakly and sort of in unison: I trust in the powers of my teammates.

Sphinx: This team must learn to work together or, mark my words, it will be torn apart! Now . . . gather around. Gather around. Embrace one another. Gather around. Embrace one another quickly.

[Mr. Furious walks away, not participating in the group hug. Sphinx goes after him.]

Sphinx: Why do you stand aside while the others practice?

Mr. Furious: "Practice"? That's not practicing. That's-- That's group hugging. We should be busting in on Casanova right now.

Sphinx: He who questions training, only trains himself at asking questions. [Walks away.]

Mr. Furious: What??

[Cut to later. All of the heroes are working on creating new costumes.]

Sphinx: Ah, yes. Work well on your new costumes, my friends. For when you care for what is outside, what is inside cares for you.

Mr. Furious: You know, the clock is ticking here. Are we gonna sew dresses all day or are we gonna rescue Amazing? I need a thimble. Does anybody--

Sphinx: Patience, my son. To summon your power for the conflict to come, you must first have power over that which conflicts you.
The Sphinx trains the Mystery Men.

Mr. Furious: Okay, am I the only one who finds these sayings just a little bit formulaic? "If you want to push something down, you have to pull it up." "If you want to go left, you have to go right." It-- It's--

Sphinx: Your temper is very quick, my friend, but until you learn to master your rage--

Mr. Furious: Your rage will become your master? That's what you were gonna say, right? Right?

Sphinx: Not necessarily.

Mr. Furious: Okay, you know what? That's it. I'm out of here. Thanks for all the advice, Mr. Mysterioso, but it's time to get busy with it. Come on, Eddie. Let's go. [Starts to walk out of camp. Nobody makes a move to follow him.]

Shoveler (Eddie): No, Roy. I-- I think he's getting results.

Mr. Furious (Roy): Yeah, and the biggest one is that we're all out of here. Come on, Jeff. Let's peel some wheelies. Lets go.

Blue Raja (Jeff): I don't want to leave the Sphinx.

Mr. Furious: Okay, how about the rest of you? Huh? You want to play Suzie Homemaker with Captain Conundrum or do you want to be superheroes?

Bowler:[whispering] Shut up.

Mr. Furious: Okay. I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines. [Starts to walk out of camp.]

Shoveler: Roy, wait. Let's talk about this.

Mr. Furious: No, Eddie, let's not talk about it! Now, you want to sit here and make Halloween outfits with Little Red Riding Hood, or you want to take care of business? [Nobody moves.] Well, I guess from now on I ride in a wolf pack . . . of one. [Walks away.]

Shoveler: We should go after him.

Spleen: He's okay.

Bowler: Just let him go. He's a baby.

Shoveler: We've never gone into battle without him.

Bowler: Oh, jeez. If you love him so much, why don't you marry him?

[Bowler and Shoveler start bickering back and forth.]

Blue Raja: Bowler, Shoveler, please. Sphinx, what wisdom can you give us in this, our most clouded hour?

Invisible Boy: Yeah, what do we do?

Sphinx: The loss of manpower can be replaced by the addition of firepower.

Blue Raja: Oh. Well, I won't use guns. I've been crystal clear about that.

Shoveler: He won't even use a knife.

Blue Raja: You're not going to start with that mishigos again, are you?

Sphinx: Casanova will have many weapons. To beat him, you will have to have more than forks and flatulence.

[Blue Raja sighs. Shoveler thinks. He remembers the man he met after the battle in the nursing home in the first scene of the movie.]

Shoveler: Heller

[Shoveler pulls Heller's business card out of his pocket. Spleen takes the card and reads it.]

Spleen: "Dr. A. Heller. Weapons designer. Innovator, inventor, world changer."

[End of scene. Timecode: 1 hour, 3 minutes, 30 seconds. Cut to exterior of an abandoned amusement park in the desert. The heroes are in Shoveler's car, driving to meet Heller and obtain weapons. They obtain exotic non-lethal weapons for their upcoming battle with Casanova and his hoards.]

[The vehicle with the six heroes passes a limousine carrying Casanova Frankenstein, going the opposite direction. The Shoveler, who is driving the heroes' vehicle, turns around and follows Casanova Frankenstein's car, which stops. A superheroic battle ensues between the heroes and Casanova Frankenstein and the villain's henchmen. The heroes do significant damage to the body of the limousine before the heroes get out and start shooting at the heroes. The heroes get in their car and speed off, feeling victorious at having humiliated the villains and damaged their car.]

[Timecode: 52 minutes, 52 seconds. In the next scene, the six heroes are in a bar celebrating their victory. An establishing show shows the Chinese pagoda-style bar and we hear Mr. Furious propose a toast.]


Mr Furious: I would like to make a toast to our first straight-out victory.

Blue Raja: Stunning victory! Hear, hear!

[Cut to interior, showing a time period that may be significantly later in the evening. All of the heroes have been drinking. A few are quite drunk. The Bowler and the Blue Raja apparently drank very little, as they are still quite lucid and are having a deeply philosophical conversation. During their conversation, the Bowler continually speaks directly to her father's skull embedded in her bowling ball, demonstrating once again that she routinely speaks to her deceased father.]

Bowler: Be that as it may, the relationship that you have with your mother affects every other dynamic in your life. It's impossible-- [Turns to look at her father's skull in her bowling ball, which rests on top of a drinking glass on the bar next to her.] What? What?

Blue Raja:[Agreeing with the Bowler.] it's true, quite true.

Bowler:[Speaking to her "father".] Yes, a father's role is vital in a child's life as well. I know this.

[The Blue Raja looks on as Carol/The Bowler speaks to her father. The look on his face makes it clear once again that he thinks the Bowler is very strange when she speaks to her father this way. His teammates also think Carol is odd because of this. But they never say anything. They just let her do her thing, not quite sure what to think about the way she communes with the dead, or at least thinks she does.]

Bowler:[Talking to her father.] No, I'm no disrespecting you. You have to respect me too. You have to allow me to have conversations in a bar type situation and talk to my new friends. Andy anyway, I'm an adult now. Do you want to go back in the bag? Is that how we're gonna do it now? You make the rules. If you don't zip it-- [Takes a drink from her bottle of beer. Sighs.] Sheesh.

Blue Raja:[Resuming his conversation with the Bowler.] I was just going to say that parents can be quite problematic.

Bowler: Tell me about it . . . Listen, you've got to live in truth. Correct?

[There is more conversation among the heroes. Finally they leave the bar, quite inebriated. Waiting for them outside the bar are Tony P., Tony C. and about 8 other Disco Boys. The Disco Boys approach the heroes menacingly, lining them up against a wall. The Disco Boys all aim guns straight at the heroes. Just before the Disco Boys kill the heroes by shooting them, every one of their guns suddenly splits in half, affected by some unseen force. The Disco Boys retreat, with Tony P. saying this only a temporary reprieve for the heroes. A gong is heard. From the shadows emerges the savior of the heroes, the man who really DOES have the power to cut guns in half with his mind: the mysterious Sphinx!]

Blue Raja: Criminy. You're the Sphinx.

Sphinx: And you are fools.

[Cut to the auto junkyard where Mr. Furious works in his day job. The Sphinx is lecturing the heroes.]

Sphinx: Tonight . . . you proved . . . your inexperience. The wise man knows that he is weakest when he thinks himself strong . . . Casanova Frankenstein is no ordinary villain. To fight him, you must have extraordinary skill.

[Mr. Furious tries to be dismissive about the wisdom of the Sphinx, but all of the heroes want to hear what the Sphinx has to say. Mr. Furious and the Bowler start squabbling back and forth.]

Sphinx: Silence! You . . . must be like the wolf pack. Not like the six pack.

Shoveler: Teamwork. Yes!

Sphinx: You were not ready to face so great an enemy. Not until you have vanquished the enemy within yourselves.

Spleen: Yes!

Invisible Boy: It's cool, isn't it? He goes right up to the point of being, like, confusing.

Shoveler: It's leadership. It's what we've been missing.

Blue Raja: Yes, I quite agree. Sphinx, will you guide our motley little gang of men at arms?

Mr. Furious: Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Are you serious? Come on.

Other heroes, to the Sphinx: Will you shape us? Mold us?

Bowler: Please unify us and make us whole.

Sphinx; To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.

[The heroes gasp at this wisdom, all except Mr. Furious, who kicks a can.]

[Cut to daytime, a wooded area by a small lake or swamp. This is apparently the camp of the Sphinx. Montage of scenes in which the Sphinx trains the heroes. The Blue Raja hurls forks at a target attached to a tree.]


Sphinx: Learn to hide your strikes from your opponent, and you'll more easily strike his hide.

[Spleen and the Shoveler are dueling. The spleen wields a large poll with a tool on the end. The Shoveler uses his shovel. The Sphinx approaches them and halts their duel.]

Sphinx: How many weapons do you wield?

Shoveler: Just one, Sphinx.

Sphinx: No. The fist, the knee, the elbow, the head! You must lash out with every limb like the octopus who plays the drums.

[Mr. Furious is trying to balance a tack hammer on its end on top of his head. It isn't working very well.]

Mr. Furious: Why am I doing this again?

Sphinx: When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack.

Mr. Furious: And why am I wearing the watermelon on my feet?

Sphinx: I don't remember telling you to do that.

[Cut to night time, at the same camp. The heroes walk across hot coals. They have already learned much through the guidance of the Sphinx.]

[Cut to day time, at the same camp.]


Sphinx: I believe in my powers.

Heroes, loudly and in unison: I believe in my powers.

Sphinx: I believe . . . in the powers of my teammates.

Heroes, weakly and sort of in unison: I believe in the powers of my teammates.

Sphinx: I trust in my powers!

Heroes, loudly and in unison: I trust in my powers.

Sphinx: I trust in the powers of my teammates.

Heroes, weakly and sort of in unison: I trust in the powers of my teammates.

Sphinx: This team must learn to work together or, mark my words, it will be torn apart! Now . . . gather around. Gather around. Embrace one another. Gather around. Embrace one another quickly.

[Mr. Furious walks away, not participating in the group hug. Sphinx goes after him.]

Sphinx: Why do you stand aside while the others practice?

Mr. Furious: "Practice"? That's not practicing. That's-- That's group hugging. We should be busting in on Casanova right now.

Sphinx: He who questions training, only trains himself at asking questions. [Walks away.]

Mr. Furious: What??

[Cut to later. All of the heroes are working on creating new costumes.]

Sphinx: Ah, yes. Work well on your new costumes, my friends. For when you care for what is outside, what is inside cares for you.

Mr. Furious: You know, the clock is ticking here. Are we gonna sew dresses all day or are we gonna rescue Amazing? I need a thimble. Does anybody--

Sphinx: Patience, my son. To summon your power for the conflict to come, you must first have power over that which conflicts you.

Mr. Furious: Okay, am I the only one who finds these sayings just a little bit formulaic? "If you want to push something down, you have to pull it up." "If you want to go left, you have to go right." It-- It's--

Sphinx: Your temper is very quick, my friend, but until you learn to master your rage--

Mr. Furious: Your rage will become your master? That's what you were gonna say, right? Right?

Sphinx: Not necessarily.

Mr. Furious: Okay, you know what? That's it. I'm out of here. Thanks for all the advice, Mr. Mysterioso, but it's time to get busy with it. Come on, Eddie. Let's go. [Starts to walk out of camp. Nobody makes a move to follow him.]

Shoveler (Eddie): No, Roy. I-- I think he's getting results.

Mr. Furious (Roy): Yeah, and the biggest one is that we're all out of here. Come on, Jeff. Let's peel some wheelies. Lets go.

Blue Raja (Jeff): I don't want to leave the Sphinx.

Mr. Furious: Okay, how about the rest of you? Huh? You want to play Suzie Homemaker with Captain Conundrum or do you want to be superheroes?

Bowler:[whispering] Shut up.

Mr. Furious: Okay. I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines. [Starts to walk out of camp.]

Shoveler: Roy, wait. Let's talk about this.

Mr. Furious: No, Eddie, let's not talk about it! Now, you want to sit here and make Halloween outfits with Little Red Riding Hood, or you want to take care of business? [Nobody moves.] Well, I guess from now on I ride in a wolf pack . . . of one. [Walks away.]

Shoveler: We should go after him.

Spleen: He's okay.

Bowler: Just let him go. He's a baby.

Shoveler: We've never gone into battle without him.

Bowler: Oh, jeez. If you love him so much, why don't you marry him?

[Bowler and Shoveler start bickering back and forth.]

Blue Raja: Bowler, Shoveler, please. Sphinx, what wisdom can you give us in this, our most clouded hour?

Invisible Boy: Yeah, what do we do?

Sphinx: The loss of manpower can be replaced by the addition of firepower.

Blue Raja: Oh. Well, I won't use guns. I've been crystal clear about that.

Shoveler: He won't even use a knife.

Blue Raja: You're not going to start with that mishigos again, are you?

Sphinx: Casanova will have many weapons. To beat him, you will have to have more than forks and flatulence.

[Blue Raja sighs. Shoveler thinks. He remembers the man he met after the battle in the nursing home in the first scene of the movie.]

Shoveler: Heller

[Shoveler pulls Heller's business card out of his pocket. Spleen takes the card and reads it.]

Spleen: "Dr. A. Heller. Weapons designer. Innovator, inventor, world changer."

[End of scene. Timecode: 1 hour, 3 minutes, 30 seconds. Cut to exterior of an abandoned amusement park in the desert. The heroes are in Shoveler's car, driving to meet Heller and obtain weapons. They obtain exotic non-lethal weapons for their upcoming battle with Casanova and his hoards.]

[Timecode: 1 hour, 10 minutes, 18 seconds. The heroes regroup back at the Sphinx's camp after obtaining new weapons. They load equipment into Shoveler's old station wagon, the car they have been driving around in throughout the movie.]


Sphinx: Good. Now, the three of you will be like the eagle's claw. You will snatch up the hostage and carry him to safety. We three scouts will be like the eagle's eye: ever watchful for danger. Are you ready?
The Sphinx prepares the Mystery Men to go into action.

Bowler: Yes.

Blue Raja: Ready.

Sphinx: Then let operation Three-Eyed, Three-Legged Eagle begin.

[Each of the heroes caws like an eagle and twists their hand as if into a claw, and extends their hand into the middle of the circle they form by standing.]

[Timecode: 1 hour, 13 minutes, 2 seconds. A banquet is being held at Casanova Frankenstein's mansion. Dozens of villains wearing colorful costumes eat, drink and make merry. Apparently one of the female villainesses is Jewish. She shouts: Mazel tov! This is a traditional Yiddish and Jewish saying that means "Good fortune" in Hebrew. Later, Casanova Frankenstein identifies the group of women, one of whom said "Mazel tov", as the Furriers: Timecode 1 hour, 13 minutes, 58 seconds.]
Jewish member of the villainous team the Furriers says Mazel tov at banquet

Casanova Frankenstein: Does everyone have a drink? You're all good? Good. Well, it is wonderful in my heart to see so many familiar faces once again. The Susies -- assassins from the East. The Suits -- downsizing all those who dare oppose them. And the Furriers -- always dressed to kill. And the Frat Boys -- still on probation for lethal hazing. And, of course, the Not So Goody Mob -- putting the rhyme into crime! [A group of evil black rap musicians.]
Casanova Frankenstein greets various themed groups of super-villains.

[The heroes sneak into Casanova Frankenstein's mansion and find Captain Amazing. But in trying to rescue him from the chair he is clamped into, they accidentally trigger Casanova Frankenstein's super weapon, which kills Captain Amazing. Later, at Heller's weapons lab in his abandoned amusement park they discuss what happened. They are fearful about Casanova Frankenstein's plan to use his deadly weapon on Champion City, something that Captain Amazing informed the heroes would happen at midnight. Blue Raja says they need Captain Amazing to help with this, thus prompting other heroes to angrily point out that he killed Captain Amazing by flipping the wrong switch. They all start to argue.]

Blue Raja: Sphinx! Sphinx, what in Heaven's name do we do?

Sphinx: Sometimes . . . the true hero is the one with the courage to run away.
The wisdom of the Sphinx: It is okay to run away.

[The heroes think that running away at this point in time sounds like a good option. But the Shoveler explains that they can't run away. He says that Casanova Frankenstein is going to destroy the city and they can't wait for the calvary to arrive because they ARE the calvary. He gives a stirring speech and they all realize they must return to Casanova Frankenstein's mansion to stop the nefarious plot of the villains. Before their assault, however, the Shoveler tells them they should all say goodbye to their loved ones.]

[Timecode: 1 hour, 12 minutes, 31 seconds. Scene: Inside the home of the Blue Raja. It is dark. The Blue Raja is looking for additional forks. His mother hears him and turns on a light.]


Blue Raja (Jeffrey): Ah! Huh? Hey, Mom.

Jeffrey's mom: Jeffrey, what are you doing?

Blue Raja: Um, I was just, um, uh, um -- I'm, uh-- [Exhales. Decides to finally tell his mother the truth. His demeanor and stature changes as he summons the courage to present himself to his mother as his super-hero self, the Blue Raja.] I'm a superhero, Mother.
The Blue Raja tells his mother he is an effete British super-hero that hurls forks.

Jeffrey's mother: A superhero?

Blue Raja: An effete British superhero, to be precise. I am pilfering your tableware because I hurl it. I hurl it with a deadly accuracy. The Blue Raja is my name. And-- Yes, I know. I don't wear much blue, and I speak in a British accent. But if you know your history, it reallyl does make perfect sense. The point is, your boy's a Limey fork-flinger, Mother. Hard cheese to swallow, I know, but there it is. What WILL the Bridge Club think?

Jeffrey's mother: You need more forks?

[Jeffrey's mother takes his news incredibly well. She lets him take some special cutlery that she had been saving for hs wedding day. But, she says, from the look of things, that day is probably a long way off.]

[A dramatic scene shows the heroes donning their newly made, far superior super-hero costumes. The eye within a pyramid on the costume of the Sphinx reflects his efforts to establish a super-hero identity based on Egyptian classical religion and ancient Egyptian motifs. The principle detail on the costume of the Bowler is a skull, mirroring the skull of her father that she had embedded in her bowling ball.]
Eye within a pyramid: detail on new costume of the Sphinx.
Detail on new costume of the Bowler; a skull.
The Mystery Men appear together for the first time in their new costumes.

[Timecode: 1 hour, 42 minutes, 30 seconds. During the incredible battle between the heroes and the villains, which is mostly unrecorded on this page, the Bowler enters the large mansion library at roughly the same time that Tony P. does. Nobody else is around. Thus, the Bowler faces off against the villain who killed her father.]

Bowler: You oughta run, Tony P.

Tony P.: You can't hurt me, Baby Bowler. 'Cause I'm protected . . . by the god of hair care.
Tony P. (disco villain) claims he is protected by the god of hair care.

[Tony P. uses a can of hair spray to pray his rigidly coiffed hair and then he sprays the can in front of him, causing flames to erupt from its nozzle. Meanwhile, the Bowler extracts her bowling ball from its bag.]

Tony P: And it's time to send you back to your daddy.

Bowler: You killed my father.

Tony P.: That's right. 'Cause I'm a killer. And you're not. Let's face it, kid. You don't have the guts to kill me.
Tony P. (disco villain) says he'll send the Bowler to see her father in the afterlife.
The Bowler says she might forgive Tony P. for killing her father, but her father Carmine has different feelings about forgiveness.

Bowler: You're right. I don't have the guts to kill you. Because I'm better than you. Yeah, that's right. A lot better. You know, I may even find the courage to forgive you some day.

[The bowler's skull bowling ball hovers in the air in front of her. It turns as if to look up at her. Then it flies off, taking a circuitous route to approach Tony P., so he doesn't see it coming. The bowling ball flies with tremendous speed and force into Tony P., knocking his body deep into a thick wall, killing him instantly.]

Bowler: Oh! Carmine, on the other hand, feels differently than I do about forgiveness.

[The bowling ball rolls back toward the Bowler and rolls into her bowling ball bag. The bowler looks into the bag and speaks to her deceased father.]

Bowler: Okay, now I'm going back to graduate school. That was the agreement.

[Timecode: 1 hour, 48 minutes, 9 seconds. The heroes manage to defeat all of the villains. But unfortunately, Casanova's weapon of mass destruction has already been triggered. It is beginning to use its powerful energies to destroy Champion City. The Bowler knows she can use her bowling ball, with her father's skull embedded in it, to destroy the machine and save Champion City. But she believes doing this will probably destroy the bowling ball. As she gets closer to the machine, preparing to use the bowling ball on it, she talks to her deceased father through the bowling ball.]

Bowler: Dad, this is the way it has to be. The upshot is you won't be killed because you're already dead . . . No, I'm not going with you. If there's a time for separation, let me tell you something, this is it . . . I love you, Dad!
The Bowler talks to her deceased father through her bowling ball, in which his skull is embedded

[The Bowler releases her bowling ball into the fearsome machine, and it does indeed kareen throught the machine, striking every surface possible, and thus destroying the machine forever. The awesome energies of the machine cause the mansion to actually implode. As this happens, the heroes all flee, but most of the villains are unconscious. As the mansion implodes in on itself leaving nothing but flattened ruins and a hole in the ground , presumably most of the villains die.]

[Moments later, the heroes emerge from the site of the devastation. Reporters and camera crews are already on the scene.]


Shoveler: We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork . . . and the hammer of not bickering.

Sphinx: We are number one. All others are number two or lower.
The Sphinx on television, claiming his team is number one.

[Timecode: 1 hour, 51 minutes, 44 seconds. As the heroes walk away from the reporters on the scene, a hum can be heard. The Bowler opens her bag and looks down at the charred bowling ball with her father's skull in it.]

Bowler: What? Yes, we're all very aware that you saved the day, and I'm sure we'll all be hearing about it for the rest of our lives.
The Bowler talks to her deceased father through her bowling ball.

See also:
http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/m/mystmen.htm#sphinx
http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/m/mystmen.htm#bowler
http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/m/mystmen.htm#spleen
http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/m/mystmen.htm#shoveler


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